Me, Musashi
by Jessica R Vance
Summary: Musashi reflects on why she is how she is and why she can't expose her true feelings to Kojiro.


Me, Musashi   
  
By: Jessica R Vance   
  
Rating: PG   
  
Summary: A little trip inside Musa-chan's brain...   
  
Disclaimer: I'll say it sloooooowly... IIIIIIII dooooooooon't oooooooooowwwn theeeeeeeemmmmm....   
  
Thing to be proud of: This fic was nominated for "Best Jessie Fic" at the Rocketshippy Authors' Guild! Whoo-hoo! I didn't win, though, I lost to Cori Falls' "To Unite All Peoples Within Our Nation." But hey- who *wouldn't* have lost to Cori, eh? She's great! ::blows kisses to Cori:: Congrats, girl! But hey, I was nominated, and that makes me happy. ^_^  
  
To all Vertical Horizon fans: OK, in this fic, I call "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon a "cursed song." Don't freak! I actually really like that song! It just seemed to fit what Musashi feels in this fic, that's the only reason I said that. It has quite a haunting quality for my friend, but I'm not gonna go into that. Just to let you know that I *love* that song, not hate it! ::blasts off::  
  
*Me, Musashi*   
  
People wonder why I am like I am. They don't understand. They don't know about my past...   
  
His name was Kibinu . I was 15. In the bike gang. Kibinu was *so* nice to me. I mistook my friendly feelings toward him for love. One day he told me he loved me. I told him the same, and we became a couple.   
  
But after a while, things changed. Kibinu began to get on my nerves. Tried too hard to make me laugh, did stupid stuff, things of that nature. And we wanted to get too close. Not that he ever put any serious moves on me, but... he was always a little horny.   
  
So I broke up with him. I got sick of men then and there. Swore off of them. I told myself, "Musashi, never fall in love again."   
"Ever."   
  
***   
  
I had known Kojiro since we were 13, at Pokemon Tech. He was never more than a friend! Always too childlike and immature to be boyfriend material...   
  
But he grew up.   
  
Kind of. I mean, a part of him will always be 10 years old, but... part of him grew into a romantic, mature young man. And that's the part I'm mostly struggling with. Half of my brain, the Kibinu half, screams, NO! Musashi, don't do this to yourself again! If you fall for Kojiro, you and he will end up just like you and Kibinu! No man is worth it!!!   
  
The other half, the Kojiro half, says, Musa, look in his eyes. He's different. You know you see it.   
  
I don't know which side to listen to!   
  
The Kibinu half says, You are independent, Musashi. You don't need a man. Trust me, you're happier alone.   
  
But I read. I read stories where people find love. I find myself picturing myself as the heroine... and none other than my best friend and partner in crime Kojiro as the hero.   
  
So what exactly sparked my maybe-feelings for Kojiro? I think his eyes were a big part of it... such a pretty green... and I love his rose. Put them together when he gets this... this *look* on his face...   
  
Whoa, Musashi! Stop that. He's not *that* handsome. Oh, who am I trying to fool? Of course he is! And so sweet! He forgives me when I hit him... what's that? You want to know why I do that?   
  
So Kibinu will shut it.   
  
Musashi, you're better off ruling men then loving them.   
  
So I dominate. Another question answered. But every time I hit him...   
  
Musashi! He didn't deserve that! Go say you're sorry!   
  
I start to, but Kibinu steps in and a battle starts in my brain. I usually end up listening to Kibinu.   
  
But you feel so safe when you're with Kojiro! That's why you hug him all the time! He's not the strongest man on Earth, but he'd do anything to keep you safe!   
  
So now, 2 years after I promised myself that my heart was mine and mine alone, I feel it slipping away from me. Feel it slowly drifting to the young man on the couch.   
  
He's writing in his journal. He looks so cute, with his brow furrowed. I stare at him, despite myself.   
  
No, Musashi, no! Don't fall for this again! It's not worth it!   
  
He looks over at me, a little surprised that I'm watching him. Then he gives me a concerned look. "Are you OK, Musa-chan?" I look into *those eyes* and feel an odd pain in my chest. It's my own fault. Had I not made the wrong decision with Kibinu, I'd be able to love Kojiro. And I want to. I want to!   
  
So why don't I?   
  
Because you and him will end up just like you and Kibinu. That's why.   
  
No. Kojiro is different. I feel it. I stand up. I want to be close to him. For right now, that's all I want.   
  
Walking over to him, I lay on the couch with him and wrap my arms around him, my head on his chest. He gasps and puts his arms to his sides, dropping his journal to the floor. He's afraid to even *touch* me!   
  
I'm so close to him. Not just physically, but mentally too. We're soulmates. I sigh. "I think, Kojiro," I say, "that now, I *am* OK."   
Kojiro doesn't question my cryptic answer, just nods. "Good."   
  
I bury my face in his chest and whisper, "Hold me," so quietly that I don't think he hears me. But sometimes, he can read my thoughts. So he snakes his arms around my waist. I feel as if I could stay there forever...   
  
NO! Musashi, what the hell do you think you're *doing*!?   
There's my problem. Every time I get comfortable with my feelings toward Kojiro, Kibinu jumps in.   
  
Then the Kojiro side retaliates by playing that cursed song by Vertical Horizon...   
  
"He's everything you want, he's everything you need. He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things, at exactly the right time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know why..."   
  
I admit it. I never thought I would. I love Kojiro. This time, it's real. But what now? Should I tell him? Should I wate for him to make the first move? No, that would take forever and I'm not a patient girl. So...   
  
That blasted cat. He's standing in the doorway with a look on his face. "You lovebirds want me to leave you alone?"   
  
Kojiro and I look up. I don't object to the name Nyasuu called us, figuring Kojiro will.   
  
He doesn't. "Just go, Nyasuu. Musashi isn't feeling well." I smile into his chest. Trust my Kojiro to come up with a quick excuse on the spot. I hear Nyasuu leave and feel Kojiro's warm breath on the top of my head. "Musashi?" he whispers.   
  
"Mm?" I murmur sleepily. "Why... um... what... ah..."   
  
I lift my head and stare into his beautiful gems. "You're wondering why I'm laying on you?"   
  
"Something like that." He says, giving me a grin.   
  
"Well," I begin, resting my chin on his chest but not moving my gaze, "I needed to be close to someone tonight."   
  
He stares. "To *someone*?"   
  
"...yes." He shifts his weight and lolls his eyes around distractedly. "Just... anybody?"   
  
He wants to hear it as much as I want to say it! I give him a squeeze and say, "OK, fine, I give. I needed to be close to *you* tonight." "Now that's more like it." he replies, smiling again.   
  
I recognize that smile. I've only seen it one other time. When Kojiro came back to me from that fianceé of his. We were up in the balloon. When we clasped hands, he smiled at me like that. And I could read his face like a book. That looks meant that he was satisfied with what he had.   
  
And at the moment, he has me...   
  
***   
  
I wake up in Kojiro's arms. We're still on the couch... did I fall asleep here!? I glance up at Kojiro. His eyes are closed and his breathing even. He looks so sweet...   
  
I reach up and brush away stray strands of hair from his face. He smiles like a little boy and murmurs my name in his sleep. Then he tightens his hold on me. I smile too. I wanted to be close to him, and I can't imagine being closer than this.   
Suddenly, his eyes flutter open. I quickly remove my hand from his cheek. "Mu... sashi?" he says.   
  
"Yes, Kojiro?" His eyes bug open completely.   
  
"You're- you're really here!" he says, sounding shocked.   
  
"And why wouldn't I be?" I ask, amused.   
  
"We-well, you... you *should*... er... I mean... I want you to... no, um... well, I *do* want... uh..." He's so cute! He must feel me looking at him because he glances nervously at me.   
  
"Kojiro, what's wrong?" I ask. That's a similarity between Kojiro and Kibinu. They both studder when they speak to me.   
  
Or maybe I just have that effect on men.   
  
"Nothing's... wrong... but..." he sighs and stares out the window.  
  
"But what? Kojiro, talk to me!"  
  
"You have no idea what you're doing to me, Musashi." he whispers, almost inaudibly.  
  
"Am I too heavy? I'll move..." I start to get up, but he looks at me again and tightens his grip.  
  
"No!" he says, a bit too quickly. Then he calms down a little and says, "No, Musa-chan, you're not hurting me. Stay... stay here. Please?"  
  
"OK." I say, settling back into my spot. "What's on your mind?  
  
"He's silent for a moment, then he asks, "Musashi, how do you feel about me?"  
  
Is he kidding? I just spent the past night wrestling with my emotions and he picks *now* to ask about them? "How do I feel?"  
  
"About me. Yeah." he says and fixes me with an intense gaze. He wants an answer, and he's not letting me go without one.   
"You want the truth?"  
  
"That would be good." I stare at him for a moment, then I lift my face and kiss him softly on the mouth. He makes a small surprised sound, then begins to mimic me. A few moments later, he slowly, reluctantly almost, pulls back.  
  
"Musashi..." he whispers. He opens his eyes and stares at me. "Do you... do you love me?"He's asking. Not telling me he loves me, but making sure it's OK before he reveals his own emotions.   
"Kojiro..." I say, "I... yes, I... think I do love you." With a smile, "That is, after all, why I kissed you!  
  
"He smiles hugely at me and hugs me. "Oh, Musa-chan, I've loved you for so long..."  
  
"How long?" I ask, returning the embrace.  
  
"Ever since I met you. But then you broke up with Kibinu, and told me you'd sworn off men... well, I thought I had less of a chance then before."   
  
I smile and kiss him lightly on the lips again. "No more chances, Kojiro. I love you."  
  
No more chances.   
  
I feel it's forever.   
  
~*~  
  
The End! Hope ya liked it! I got a hankerin' to explain why Musashi/Jessie doesn't just tell Kojiro/James how she feels, and I think this is a good rendition of it! ^_^ JessicaVance@lovelornpoet.com  



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